Lots of great jokes which really made my day. It's been a long time since I've heard anything sufficiently funny.
One excellent point. At one point, "Hinei ma tove" was translated to "How good it is when brothers live together". The translator noted that the word he translated as "brothers" is actually gender neutral, so he really ought to have said "people". To which Garrison Keillor replied, "Just wait. One day [when we make contact with other intelligent life], we'll all be creatures."
So, without further ado...
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A melted penguin.
A man went to the doctor's office. The doctor mentioned that he hadn't seen the man in a while. The man said, "Yeah, I know. I've been sick."
Speaking of doctors, a particular one frequents this one bar at a certain time every day and always orders a hazelnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender notices he's out of hazelnut, so he rummages around the bar and comes up with a few hickory nuts. So he grinds them down and hands the doctor his drink. The doctor takes a sip and then says, "Hey! This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!". So the bartender says guiltily, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc".
A man goes to the doctor's office. He has a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, "Let me prescribe a creme for that."
What's the difference between the Vietnam war and the new Gulf war?
Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.
"How've you been?"
"I've been fine. Just a little restless. I still haven't found my place in this post 11/2 world."