There are times when my journal and personality take on a serious, scientific, black and white perspective on the world. On things I know, this is often the way I am. It is perhaps an extension of a geek's ego or perhaps it is that I am as knowledgable as others claim that I am.
In these matters, I'm not a likeable person much of the time. I have a particular way of arguing with people which isn't very concilliatory and tends to constrict some people. I don't apologize for that. Most of the time, I operate on strict logic which makes it easy to point out the fallacies in the arguments of others. That others aren't logical at times in the way they communicate is something which I wish more humans were able to do. I treat it as a character flaw most of the time.
I just read an entry from a random person in los_angeles which reminded me of the not so very distant past where I was many things which I am no longer. I used to run with goth crowds. I used to act. I used to skate. I used to do drugs. I used to stay out late and go to school early the next morning. I used to street race when I was years too young to be behind the wheel. I used to mosh and wear tattered clothes and be angry. I used to contemplate suicide. I used to play soccer and hockey. I used to break into people's homes while they were away for the thrill of standing in the midst of someone else's sanctum sanctorum. I used to do it to understand who other people were and who I wasn't.
There was perhaps a non-zero part of it which hoped I'd get caught. In my mind it was no more criminal than games I played with friends' computers. And I made a point of not harming anyone.
I've held many beliefs that have come and gone. I used to study religions. I decided that I was an atheist the night I wrote a paper for school contemplating God's existence for a philosophy class.
I used to believe that being social was being a mistake. I used to have no interest in anyone's friendship. At one point, I purposely went to the farthest away junior high school I could manage to get away from people I already knew. This also kept school and friends as far away as possible from my parents which made most of my life's pursuits possible.
(It's amazing how credible high school friends can appear to parents with just the tiniest amount of facade. Then again, my parents have always been ones with an excellent capacity for self delusion.)
All of these things seem generations ago. Lifetimes ago. In my brain, there are boxes full of memories. Who I was. Who my friends were. What I learned. Why I did it. What I believed at the time.
I wonder occasionally if I'm the same person as I was. I wonder if my personality today was formed by who I was then. I wonder if this is another phase which will one day be boxed up and set aside in favor of something else.
I don't wonder that seriously. I have a fairly concrete concept of who I am now. I've even found a wonderful person who understands me as well as I understand her which is as well as I understand myself. That's such a truly special thing that it overrides all else.