October 18th, 2004

My wonderful Meg kitty.

(no subject)

In a perfect world, I would be asleep right now.

In a perfect world, I would not be second, third, fourth, and fifth guessing my moves right now.

This is not a perfect world.

The 20th is my mother's 60th birthday. Two years ago, this would have been a happy occasion. A year ago, we had a bit too much on our minds (that was not far off from putting Pablo to sleep and just a bit before my maternal grandmother's stroke, and after what seemed like it might be recovery, death). Presently, it sees me at odds with her.

I'm concerned about going back home.

I want to say more, but it's far too verbose for an LJ entry. I've begun writing in a file called mylife. I imagine I'll link to it when I've completed a satisfactory amount in the future. Those interested may read it while it progresses from unfinished and unHTMLized. I imagine I'll split it into several pages for ease of reading as well.

I spoke to my oldest sister today. She said that my mother was furious when I emailed her and said I wouldn't be able to come down for financial reasons. She sent me back an email saying, "I'm sorry you can't make it down. LOVE U, MOM"

She has consistently attempted to manipulate me in the past. In her attempts to get me to get a job, she convinced me that she was in financial difficulty. I dropped out of school with a quarter to go in order to look for work and attempt to support myself. I have, by and large, spectacularly failed. I entered into a poor business arrangement with a friend of mine and ended up at odds with him. I had been working for well under my worth as a programmer before being laid off. I'm still frantically looking for work with very little fortune.

I feel as though I can't really trust her. I've felt for some time that all she can be relied upon for is negativity.

I've played with the idea that she's attempting to manipulate me into coming back home. I haven't given up on that idea altogether.

Whatever it is, the lack of aid makes my life much more stressful. I'm continually thankful for my friends and relsqui's parents who have helped me through things. I'm especially thankful for relsqui. Without her, I'm fairly certain that I couldn't handle seeing my family again on Wednesday.