September 15th, 2008
|05:15 pm - Thing of the day I hate|
The assertion that polygamous relationships are "better" than monogamous ones with the implications that monogamous relationships involve one or more of the incomplete following set: ownership of someone, sexism, a high rate of failure.
It's extremely difficult to calculate any sort of expected value. It is also difficult to speculate effectively on the outcome if a different factor had been present. Statistics are fraught with difficulties, up to and including the incomplete following set: cultural differences (secular and clerical), incomplete studies, incompatible definitions, ineffective reporting.
I *hate* elitist poly folk.
Ugh. Being poly, I hate people who insist that poly is 'better' than monogamy. One works for you, the other doesn't, that doesn't make it -wrong-, or -unfair-. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean either of you -owns- the other, or any other such nonsense. And it's certainly got nothing to do with sexism! If there's sexism -in- the relationship, that's not the fault of it being monogamous, but of those involved. IT's also rather hard to tell if there really is sexism involved. I mean, if it's one of those 'the woman stays home and cooks while the man works' types of relationships, what if that's how they -want- it to be? What if they're -happy- that way? Then it's not sexist at all, it's what they want.
And poly relationships don't exactly have a small rate of failure, either. I dislike people who argue that one or the other is obviously better because if fails less. Because that's stupid. Relationships fail, they all do, no matter what type of relationship they are, for various reasons. Some last longer than others, sure... several years in a happy poly or monogamous relationship doesn't mean your relationship is never going to end and, therefore, better than the other. There are very few relationships anymore that last 'until death do us part', and the types of them are probably very mixed, including even abusive relationships. And that sure as hell doesn't make -them- any better.
As for expected value... that's entirely up to the individuals in question. And a lot of the reasons relationships of any type fail is because someone in the relationship was expecting something entirely different than what they found, and decided to move on and try to find that elsewhere, rather than accept what they have and be happy with it. Now, I'm not saying that's wrong, really. If a person can't accept what's given and be happy, then they should move on. But a lot of people in any relationship expect so many things that it's very difficult to ever find the relationship they -truly- want. And that has nothing to do with being poly OR monogamous.
They're simply two different styles of relationship that work for seperate individuals for whatever reason. If that reason is to be able to fuck whoever they want... and their partner is OK with that... what the hell, who cares? They can cope with it, so why should it matter to anyone else? Personally, I'd call that more of an 'open relationship', where your partner is your partner and anyone else is just a friend with benefits, where 'true poly', to me, would be putting actual effort into more than one (and you can't really manage that many!) specific relationship.
People think monogamy is more difficult, others think poly is more difficult. It really depends on the persons involved, though, and on how they work, emotionally and mentally. And uh, I think I'm done half-awake rambling now. :P
And uh, I think I'm done half-awake rambling now. :P
It's rare that I incite a comment longer than my entry. It's sort of a compliment, really.